Well, it’s not all that new.  It’s been around for a couple of years actually.  I abandoned this one a few years ago when my writing became more upbeat.  However, since I just received a comment on one of my posts here, and it gets some traffic,  I thought I would point  visitors to my other site.

If you look on the left, there are three links under Blogs I Follow.  W.A. McDonald’s Blog is my site.  It is were all my recent posts and stories are.

Once you visit there, visit Bridgette Loves Maui.  She is a bundle of positive energy and her posts will make you smile.

Or, they might make you hate yourself because she lives in paradise, and isn’t ashamed of it.

Thanks for visiting, and hope to see you at W.A. McDonald’s Blog.

First Love

Posted: May 24, 2012 in Early Years, Just Me
Tags: ,

Her name was Marie and when we met, we were just kids. But as our brief childhood tryst ended, our friendship continued well into our adulthood. Later when she married, I’m sure her husband didn’t like us speaking with the regularity we did. Angelica however would not tolerate it. As is her way, she eventually made the prospect so miserable I finally gave Marie up. Once in a while I will do a Google search in hopes of getting an update on her life.

We met when we were about eleven, my best friend at the time was dating Marie’s best friend. However, our meeting was entirely too brief, or possibly a too long, depending on how I look at it, it got me grounded for at least a month. My parents were quick to ground me to my room for the tiniest infraction. A week for not taking out the garbage, until the end of the quarter for a bad mid-term report, and a month for coming home late. Chris set it up so that his girlfriend would bring Marie over to his house. Of the two, Marie was the more attractive one, and she was available. There was no way I was going to let her get away. So I stuck around as long as I thought I could. We finally made plans to meet up someplace and continue to hang out. The four of us walked together to my house and that was the last time I said more than two words to Marie over the next two years.

When I did get home that afternoon it could not have been more than an hour later than my usual time, but it might as well have been a day for the punishment I received. My mother grounded me for a month! She destroyed any hope of me getting to know her better.

Several years later, Marie would be my only contact with the outside world. During my ninth grade year, I think I was a free man for all of thirty days.

Chris met his girlfriend Penny at confirmation classes. Both the girls went to Folwell Junior High School while Chris and I went to Sanford Junior High. Marie and I would never have met under normal circumstances. All of us would have went to Nokomis Junior High but the school district closed it the year before we were to go. Like so many of Chris’s relationships, his and Penny’s lasted only a few weeks, so all ties to Marie vanished shortly after I met her. All I had going for me was that she lived only six blocks away.

For the next two years I would see her around the neighborhood and utter the simple phrase “Hi Marie!” I was usually on my bike and long down the road before she even recognized who I was to return the greeting. That was the extent our time together with just a couple of exceptions. Once a bunch of was were roaming the neighborhood and we come across Penny and Marie. Chris and Brand began the teasing and harassment while I hung back hoping Marie would not associate me with the snowing those two pricks were giving her! I later found out she remembered the snowing, but not really me being there.

As we progressed though Junior High Marie and I got to know a little bit about each other. My fondness for her only grew and my young heart took its hits as she entertained many suitors. Her longest boyfriend was some kid name Geovannie I believe, but he lived far away and it eventually broke them up. Hell she even dated my younger brother for a brief moment in time. I remember riding along as my mom picked up Marie so the two could go roller skating. She was wearing all white and looked absolutely beautiful! That image in itself has stuck with me all this time and it was one of those memories we shared in our years as friends. The all white was a symbol of Marie and the purity she was.

I suppose I should give something of a description here. She was an auburn haired, brown eyed beauty with a very slender build. Her cheeks always had a few freckles and in the summer she tanned to a natural bronze that I thought was spectacular at the time. If I remember right, she finally grew to about a five foot four frame. Through most of your time together as young teens, she was just an inch or so less than I. I am not sure if her slender figure is where I developed my tastes for them, or if she just suited my already established tastes. Marie was always ready to smile, had a fantastic sense of humor, and my taste for the sarcastic.

How I finally made her mine was a bit old fashioned. Once I found out where she lived I used to “call on her”. I don’t remember how it started because it would have taken a bit of courage for me to visit her the first time. However, once I made the first visit, they became somewhat regular. We would talk for as long as my curfew allowed. Her parents were pretty protective so we rarely left her small yard, and I never went in the house. It was during one of these visits I learned Geovannie gave her a bloody nose. It was accidental, but still, I offered to kick his ass; but the truth was, I probably could not kick her ass back then.

I know I talk of dating like we were teenagers, but it was really more like “going together” I think we called it. I would muster up the courage to ask a girl if “she would go with me” and I believe I always heard yes. But I was always real sure that they would say yes before I would ask. Chris was “going with” Penny when I first met Marie, and Marie was “going with” Geovannie for way to long. However, my brother never really was “going with” Marie, they just went on a couple of “dates”. In the end, before I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me some guy really badly wanted to “go with” her after I moved on, think it might have been Geovannie who realized he fucked up too. Oh and by the way, I was “going with” Penny for a short time, until she kissed me by the park bench along the creek. It was my first French kiss and I was so shocked I opened my eyes. She didn’t like that and “broke up” with me the next day.

Eventually I was there when she was not “going with” anyone and she finally agreed to “go with” me. I am pretty sure I asked her more than once and was turned down. As I write this, I now remember how she made me work for my first kiss. Man she was a mischievous little minx, god how I love and miss her. Anyway, she did make me work for it, we were going together for a couple of weeks before she finally caved in. There was a lot of kissing after the first one…a lot!

We were “going together” for about a year, I think she finally gave into my pursuit the summer before ninth grade. As I said earlier, I spent almost that whole year grounded to my room. Since my mom really liked Marie she was allowed to come and visit me. I don’t think we ever went on any dates that year or did anything together but hang out. Aside from being grounded, it was probably the best year of my childhood because of her.

Marie was honest, spiritual, and selfless. Except to play or tease she never deceived or manipulated. In that year we fought one time, and it wasn’t really a fight. I was going a bit too far in our making out and she pushed away from me. I was completely in the wrong, but caught up in the passion. She accidentally hit me in the groin when she pushed away from me. It hurt and I was upset. Writing this I feel horrible for upsetting her because she said she was sorry and I pushed her away. I am sure I want to her house that evening and apologized.

Everything about us was in sync, our personalities, our hopes for the future, even a compromise on children should we get married. I was so happy that I didn’t know it and broke up with her the following summer.

Where Marie and I lived was the longest I live anywhere, five years! That was a life time in my mother’s home. My parents sold the house and we moved from the city to a crappy little farm town to live with my grandmother! Argh, and the hell only continued!

I can’t remember now if my excuse was genuine, but when my parents sold the house and the move was inevitable I told Marie we should break up when I move. I think back and the fact that she agreed to wait until the day I moved showed how wonderful she really was. She stuck with me until the last minute. God I miss her. The reason I gave her for the breakup was that it wouldn’t be fair to her to force her into a long distance relationship. She didn’t want it, but being the wonderful person she was, she never really put up a fight or argument. I found out later that breaking us up really hurt her. My pain would come much later.

I moved to Lakeville and we stayed in touch. I missed her, and called her often but eventually I met my first wife and conversations with Marie became fewer. Two years later my parents bought a house and we were on the move again. My one day ex-wife broke up with me and I moved again. However, it didn’t last, we were back together in a month and began our own long distance relationship. The eventual ex-wife ended up pregnant and marrying her was inevitable!

The high-school girl friend, ex-wife to be knew of Marie and didn’t like me talking to her. However, I did and as my relationship with the high school girl friend became more like an unhappy marriage I started to rely more on contact with Marie for a glimmer of happiness. I would sneak out and call her from a pay phone someplace for a little happy time. Another amazing thing about her, she was always there for me.

Anyway, I joined the Army and my only letter during basic training came from Marie. Not a single latter from the wife! Do you have any idea how important having your name called during mail call was to a new soldier? It was huge! I called home often, but called and wrote Marie whenever I could. As the ex-wife became more demanding and controlling I started to envision leaving her and finally being with Marie again.
Well the ex-wife finally left me and went home fell in love with another man and petitioned me for divorce. However, while all that was transpiring, Marie met someone on a beach in Florida and moved to Idaho to be with him. I was crushed! Marie never gave any hint that she was in love with this man. The first year or two they lived together it was strictly platonic. She told me she had to get out of her parents’ house. Once again I was pursuing her but my hopes were vanishing.

We didn’t have chance to speak much after I got out of the Army. I was flat broke and she lived in Idaho. Eventually I went to truck driving school and got myself one of those fancy long distance calling cards. Now I could call her a couple times a month and keep the hope alive that one day she would again be mine. Of course life would get in the way every now and again.

About a year into truck driving I met a girl out in Pennsylvania and we quickly became engaged. However, she quickly rushed the wedding plans and I put the brakes on. I loved her, but we were not getting along as well as a couple should if they are going to get married. I know silly me, wanting happiness before I get married. This girl was gorgeous, but that was not enough. I had a friend one time who was in a miserable relationship and got married thinking it would get better then. His marriage lasted less than a year…go figure. The ex-fiancée was not a fan of Marie either and I broke of contact with her for about a year.

As I said in my previous post, the break up with the fiancée stung, not because we were so happy, but because in my heart I was going to be with her for the rest of my life. I was kind of coerced into the engagement, but when the ex-fiancée was being the good person she was wonderful! It was the dark person that finally drove me insane and forced me to break off the relationship. It took months to recover, I lost a lot of weight and slept more than I should to avoid the hurt. During this time I avoided Marie even though I hadn’t talked to her in about a year. I didn’t want her to be a rebound call, nor did I want her to hear me like I was.

When I did call her she was genuinely happy to hear from me. It was nice to talk to her and get caught up. As always Marie was Marie and she made the world a better place. I don’t remember if she and the guy from Idaho, his name is Jerry, got engaged before or after my break up with the ex-fiancée, but at this point I was just calling an old friend.
Eventually Jerry got out of the Navy and they both moved to California. Marie was all I had for the next two years. She was my friend, my console, and a constant reminder that real happiness was possible. Her and Jerry got married, had a kid and struggle financially because he never really got a job after getting out of the navy. I was there for her as much as she was for me. I wrote her, and called her frequently, sometimes we would talk for a brief moment, sometimes for over an hour.

Through all these years we saw each other a couple of time. At some time when I was driving truck I made it out to California at a time where they were not engaged yet. She came to see me at the truck stop. I thought we would just sit in the restaurant and visit, but she wanted to see my truck. I was able to touch her! We kind of snuggled, but there wasn’t any real intimacy. I enjoyed the hell out of what she gave me though. Then later we got to spend some time together in our home state.

I don’t remember why she was coming home. Maybe just to show the grandparents their new granddaughter. Anyway, I met her at the airport, with her parents. They didn’t seem happy to see me, but I was thrilled to see her, and thoroughly enjoyed the hug I received. That was at a time when I just sold my truck and was trying to figure out what I wanted to be…now that I was all grown up. I bought a new pickup and Marie went with me to pick it up. It was awesome, just like we were a real couple. I had a girlfriend at the time, but she was working and Marie was in town! She got lost following me home and I had to give her directions to my father’s house where I was staying. She finally showed up, we put the car seat in the back and I drove her to her parents’ house. Just like a happily married couple.

I cherish that day in my memories above so many other memories. With her it always felt right, even though the little girl wasn’t mine. We felt for a few hours like we belonged together.

That was also the time when she and Jerry were not having the best of times. Jerry was being and irresponsible ass and I was basically single. I could tell by the conversations we were having she was about done. This is the point where I was so confident that she was coming home for good that I broke it off with the Michigan girl, my affair with the married women, and finally told the girl I was seeing when Marie and I went to pick up my new pickup that we were forever done.
I never did break up with Angelica. I may have mentioned why in earlier post, but if I did, it probably isn’t the reasons I finally remember now. Sometime much later I was talking to Marie and she told me how she admitted to Jerry that she had one foot out the door. That was how close she was to leaving him. Well, if I would have never let her go…

I am done with maybes, should of, and could of. But writing this has really stirred up a lot of old emotions and memories. Earlier today, I did another Google search and found nothing new. She still lives in Michigan with Jerry and their two daughters. I know she feels like Kroger’s ripped her off once and that her older daughter was a member of the 4 H and is very beautiful…like her mom.

God I miss her, and if she or someone who knows her is reading this, tell her I still think of her…often.

 

When I was driving truck, coming up with posts for this blog was pretty easy, now however it is getting harder. It’s not because I am running out of crazy shit that Jane has done. Every day since 2001 she has done something stupid, illegal, or immoral. The reason is that first I don’t have as much free mental time available as I used too. As a truck driver, there is nothing but free brain time to review and sort through my memories and emotions. Now, my brain is almost always occupied by current events, problem solving for work and life, or thoughts of Her. I’ll get back to Her in a moment.

The other reason I have an issue with coming up with nut job stories about Jane is because I am less miserable than I used to be. As I stated in the early days of this blog, I started it to sort through the events that lead up to the level of misery I was experiencing at the time. Like so many blogs like this one, I wanted to anonymously air my dirty laundry and see if I could find solace in sharing her psychosis with strangers. Since then, I have found friends I can trust to talk to and it not getting back to Jane, or judging me for not acting differently.

One of those friends I have mentioned a few times in recent posts, most recently in High Tech Relationships. It is because of the fact that I am having trouble dredging up the sludge from the past, and my growing relationship with my new friend that I am contemplating a change in direction for what this blog is about. I am thinking of morphing this from a blog of a dying decaying relationship to one that is about growing and developing relationships

Let me introduce you to Her, I called her Beloved in the Passing of a Princess. She is a part-time employee who works second shift in the same complex I work in. During the summer months she is on days, though still part-time. We were never introduced, and for what is likely more than a year I didn’t even know her name. We would smile at each other as we passed and eventually I started to flirt with her, though just a little bit and subtly. Though I found her quite attractive, ready to smile, and she seemed strong and independent, I was concerned she might be way to young for me.

A couple of years went by and we slowly got to know each other. I learned her name and that she was the daughter of her supervisor. She had at least one small child, and much to my regret that she was married to Mr. Wonderful, at least according to her mother. Finally I learned her age, and was shocked to see how far off I was! She was easily twelve years older than I originally guessed. I also learned at the same time she was the mother of a seventeen-year-old daughter.

As I discuss in High Tech Relationships, in one year I learned ten times more about her than I did in two years prior via the ability to text. I was also fortunate enough to get the occasional personal visit from her. On one of those visits I learned that like me she is left-handed. Through conversations face to face and text I have learned that she is warm, caring, giving, a dedicated mother, and passionate. It is that latter, or the lack there of that leaves her feeling a bit empty in her current marriage, though not the only reason. In so many ways we share so many things, likes, dislikes, and the way we think. She is why I for the first time since I was eight, I understand why some men voluntarily get married and remain happily married for the rest of their lives.

Both Beloved and I are unhappily married, but that does not mean my future is based on the two of us one day being together. Her marriage is lacking emotionally, but her husband pays the bills, takes part in the kids’ lives, and doesn’t appear to be mean or cruel to her. She just doesn’t feel loved and sex is emotionless. My marriage on the other hand has been almost fifteen years of hell, I have been cheated on, lied to almost daily, and Jane has stolen from me and everyone who ever trusted her. My marriage is just one good paycheck away from being over. I’m not sure hers is over at all.

This is not the first time I have fallen in love with a women who belongs to someone else, so I know the risks of hanging my heart on us living happily ever after. The first time was that young love that I let slip away and regretted it years later. We stayed in touch and when things got ugly between her and her husband I thought for sure that I would finally have her. It was so close I ended all relationships I currently had going (3) in anticipation of her coming home to me. Well except one, Jane. She even told me later that she had one foot out the door. My first love and her first husband still live with their two children in Michigan. Are they happy, I don’t know for sure, but they are together and for that he is the luckiest man in the world. As I write this I wonder, had I not let Jane snare me in her web of lies and deceit, would I be living happily ever after with my first love…I don’t know. But it was a roller coaster ride with her and I don’t want to buy that ticket again. Stay tuned I may write just post that story here in this blog.

So with Beloved I will be committing emotional suicide to fall for the romantic idea that I will leave Jane, she will leave her husband and for the first time since I was fourteen I will be truly happy in a relationship. First off, I cannot count on her leaving him. This is Beloved’s second marriage, the first was ugly and only lasted a couple of years. The current one was thought out, took years to go from first date to marriage, and there was true love there at one time. She even jumps to his defense if I say anything negative about him. No, I am not dumb enough to throw fuel on the fire when she is complaining about him. He does a good enough job looking bad on his own.

We were having a textual conversation one time and she told me she was asked by one of her friends if she would ever leave him. She said she wasn’t sure at this point…so I know it’s being discussed. However, she echoed my biggest concern when it comes to me hoping we will one day be together. When I tried to get a feel for how serious she was about the idea she said, “I am not sure how hard he would fight for me”. What I know of her, I think she would not expect much of a fight, but here is what I am afraid of.

He has her! No matter how bad she wants to leave, if he puts up any kind of fight, I am toast. Possession is 9/10’s of more than just the law. They have history, at one time love, children and over a decade of shared experiences. The one thing that can easily put things back to the way Beloved remembers them is him thinking he is going to lose her…then I can lose her.

I value her friendship above all else and hope to never lose that no matter what happens to us in the future. But to have her just within reach and have him wake up would be the emotional death of me for years to come. That is why I don’t hold any real hope, nor do I hang my future on her being the end all to be all when it comes to my final happiness. Her happiness comes before mine, and if trying to make her mine tears her apart, that would be unacceptable. However, I also cannot let myself get into a position where I think she is finally mine.

I am tough, but not when it comes to matters of the heart. I ended a relationship with a fiancée about two decades ago after six months of just being plain ugly to each other. Yet, because I committed myself to her for the rest of my life, it took two years to recover. I am to old to give up that much of my life to find the right girl.

So as you can see from my fourteen hundred word rant, I cannot look back at the bad anymore. Though I cannot have Beloved and may never have her, she has shown me that there is happiness in this world. Jane darkens my life everyday but I have learned to look beyond the darkness and into the brightness that is my future. A part of me hopes Beloved is a part of it, but I can be happy if we just remain textual friends.

Therefore, from this day on, this blog is about today, and my life going forward. If I do look back, like my promised story of my first love, it will be a positive story, not one of darkness and misery like the thirty plus posts that precede this one.

Hell, now this is going to be fun!

 

As I sit her contemplating my next post, I marvel at the fact that I am preparing to write on an iPad! My blogging has been lacking the last year and most of that is because I don’t have my own computer. Jane and I share the same desktop and she’s a bit of a computer hog? In addition, since we have our desktop in the middle of the living/dining area, it makes it difficult to rant about my wives past indiscretions. Therefore, when Uncle Sam refunded the part of my money that Jane didn’t owe him, I faced a bit of a quandary, laptop or iPad. Well after extensive internal debate, we all know what direction I went.

What does me writing this post on an iPad have to do with this blog? Well as I mulled over what to talk about next I looked at my new iPad as well as reviewed the morning’s activities. My morning consisted of texting with a very attractive woman with whom I work, and downloading the Find my iPhone app. What both these activities have made me realize is two things, both related. First is how easy it is with today’s technology to engage in discrete relationships via texting and how easy it is for the same technology to get you caught lying and cheating.

Here is what I mean; the first point is the ability to establish and build relationships discreetly via text. Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am married, though none of us knows for how much longer. If you have read deep enough, you know I was involved in an extra marital affair many years ago. I was single; the woman I was involved with was married. It took years for that relationship to evolve from the occasional hello in the office to doing the wild thing in her husband’s bed. We didn’t have texting back then, but she did have an office phone and I had the 800 number that allowed me to call her almost daily. If texting were available, the office to bedroom time likely would have been a fraction of what it was. Hell if it wasn’t for the free phone calls, the relationship would never have happened.

Now, in my current situation, I never would have been afforded the opportunity to get to know the person with whom I am enjoying a discreet textual relationship. She doesn’t have an office, an 800 number, and we don’t work in the same areas of the building most of the time. Prior to her sharing her text digits with me, we were lucky if we could talk for a few minutes once a month. Under those conditions, it took a couple of years for her to offer up her text digits. Now we text almost daily and not just while were at work. She and I swapped texts last night just before going to bed for the night. It was just a quick conversation about what a tough night she had after getting home, but it was while home with our spouses.  In addition, the flirtations were brief and occasional before exchanging text numbers. Now we get into text conversations about what we like sexually, where were frustrated in our current sex lives, and intimations about what it would be like together, though neither has come right out and suggested we go that far. Well not until last week anyway, when I stuck my foot in my mouth. We soundly rejected the idea and moved forward. However, our marriages aren’t rosy, my feelings for her continue to grow and who knows where the future will take us.

Side note: This is the first time I have fallen for a women I have not first slept with, and I am in deep!

Now, point number two, Jane on the other hand is back to her usual shenanigans’ and this time I really need to catch her. She and my sons received new smart phones for Christmas and recently I have been researching how to track her phone so I know where she is. There are many options out there for Android phones, some are free, and if I keep digging, I may even find a couple that do so without her ever finding out. However, searching for such an app reminded me to setup my new iPad with Find my iPad service. When my employer first issued us iPhones, I set it up for the phone and knew I wanted the same protection for the iPad, especially since it is mine.

Well things have changed considerably since I set up my iPhone four with Find my iPhone. First, if you setup an iCloud account all you have to do is turn on the find my iPad service on the iPad. In addition, there is an app that you can install on any of the iOS GPS enabled devices. Once I download that app, I was able to locate my iPod, iPhone, and my iPad. At the time I was testing the newly acquired toy; my iPod was at home sitting on my nightstand resting after serving to provide music while tracking my morning run. That is when it occurred to me, I don’t have to track her phone!  I can just plant one of my devices in her car and track it!

Back when she was really spending a lot of time at the casinos or with the assorted boyfriend I looked at planting a GPS device in her car, but they all cost much more money than I could afford to purchase and many wanted a subscription fee. Every penny mattered and knowing exactly what she was doing wasn’t important enough to sacrifice elsewhere. I did what I could; I started keeping track of her mileage. It was 30 odd miles to the casino and 7 miles to her boyfriends. If she claimed she was home sick all day, I would check the hood of the car when I came home to see if it was hot, usually was. When I thought she was sneaking out at night I would chalk the tires, of course I didn’t think of the latter until she quit doing it. Finally, when I thought she was having sex in her car I planted a voice-activated microphone in it. All I got out of that was thirty minutes of her listening to the radio. One time a state trooper pulled her over for doing almost a hundred miles an hour on a sixty-five mile an hour freeway. That one cost me almost two-hundred dollars and that was after he reduced it to something like seventy!

With all those techniques, I was never ever able to prove beyond any doubt, what Jane was doing. Oh, I had my suspicions and there was plenty of other evidence as I discuss in my Infidelity series of posts. However, my problem is that when the time comes to leave I will not let her cast me in a poor light no matter how much crap she has pulled. I must be able to show her that I know what she has done. Yes, she will deny it, but with real proof, I can leave with my head held high.

So my solution from here on out is to plant my iPod in her vehicle on those days I think she is lying about what it is she is doing. For example, her latest crazy is claiming to have cancer, “Nothing serious” just non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. A few quick and easy chemotherapy treatments and it will be all good. For a brief moment, I thought she may be telling the truth, and then I realized whom I was listening to. Yet I listened and took in everything she was telling me. First, she claimed that her treatments would be at the little Fairview hospital down the road a bit. Checked the hospitals web site, all cancer treatments and associated doctors are in the big city at the University location…oops. These treatments are on Tuesday but her clothes don’t smell like hospital when I pull them from the hamper and give them a quick sniff.

My plan is to hide my iPod in her car next Tuesday, assuming that the two treatments she has had to date haven’t already cured her. When I am sure she is “at the hospital” I will do a locate. Finally, for the first time since this nightmare has started I have the technology to catch her in the act! Not sure what is worse, her cheating on me, or her lying to friends, family, and her children about her having cancer. Both weigh heavily in the evil department with me. She may not be cheating on me, but this latest scam is grievous enough to add plenty of ammunition to the divorce cannon.

Jane has spent fifteen years pushing me away; technology is speeding up the process. I am fairly certain only two things keep me and my textual relationship partner apart. Jane and the petty income I make now. No, she is not about money, but her two young children can’t suffer as mine did. Because of technology, I will catch Jane in the act, and I will finally find true happiness.

Posted: May 3, 2012 in Infidelity, Technology
Tags: , , , ,

I know I have beaten this dead horse long enough, just want to wrap up some loose ends.  The night Jane and I met, I showed up at her door and she turns on me and says, “If you’re here to get some, you’ve got another thing coming!”  Actually, I wasn’t, it had been a while since I tied one on and I took her invite to her house party as an opportunity to do just that.  I guess I should have taken the fact that we ended up having sex on the couch later that night as a sign that she is a liar, has no self-control, or maybe both.

In reality, that is what she did, meet a man, do the one night stand thing and move on.  I don’t have an issue with this; we men do the same thing.  My issue was and always is that she pretended to be someone other than herself.  I also have an issue with the fact that even though she denies this behavior, even to this day, occasionally she revisits the old ways.  Now it’s a problem because she vowed fidelity to me!

I don’t know how many onetime trysts she’s had in the last eighteen years, but I know there has been a few.  Jane’s had several jobs that afforded her the opportunity to travel to far away cities for several days.  Dallas, Chicago, New York, and with everyone she mentioned the availability of men “if she was interested.”  She would call me about seven or eight o’clock at night and say she was going to bed soon because she was so tired from the day’s activities.  The only thing that would keep her from calling me later at night to make sure I was home was that she was too busy to care.  I don’t think she slept with someone every night she was gone, but I am almost certain it was at least one time on each of these trips.

I know she didn’t need to leave town to have quickies with men she barely knew.  She was always talking about men who have the hots for her at work.   One day she had to get up very early to start work hours before her usual time.  I thought it was a bit peculiar but shrugged it off as I usually do.  She called me just before her usual start time while having a cigarette and we talked for a few minutes.  She ended the conversation by saying, “well I guess I need to start my day.”  She supposedly had already been working for a couple of hours.  I let her have my truck one time and it came back with a broken center armrest.  It would take more than just an errant elbow or someone leaning over it to break it the way it broke.  I asked her about it and she denied any knowledge in the way she denies things when she doesn’t want you even asking.

There are other stories and examples, but as I said at the beginning, I have beaten this dead horse long enough.  It’s taken me DAYS longer to write this short little post than even the longest post to date.  I guess I am sick of talking about this subject myself.  Who wouldn’t be, somewhat embarrassing knowing your wife has cheated on you and she is still your wife.  Well as Stan Lee used to say to finish a story…nuf said and…

Fini

Infidelity Part IV

Posted: March 27, 2012 in Infidelity
Tags: , , ,

I do not know whom this final affair was with; I think it was with an old boyfriend who just happened to live with seven miles of our house.  How do I know it was seven miles?  Because one time I had to go to a probation meeting and took the car instead of my crappy old pickup.  I only used the truck to commute back and forth to work, same distance there, same distance back, every day.  I filled up on payday and went the whole week on the one tank of gas.  Therefore, I knew by what day of the week it was, how many miles should be on my truck.  The morning after my probation meeting, there were fourteen miles on my truck that should not have been there, Jane denied going anywhere while I was at the meeting.  This led to me getting suspicious and I started keeping track of the mileage on both vehicles.  Whenever she didn’t go anywhere, anywhere was about seven miles one way.

Jane was fairly careless with this affair.  More than once when she or I were about to leave she would get a call from unknown.  If I was there she would quickly reject the call, but I found evidence of her taking calls from unknown at times when I was not around.  This affair was also the closest I came to catching her in the act.

I drove tuck locally during this time and during summer months; it wasn’t uncommon for me to have a short day.  During this time, Jane was always up to something so I did my best to come home on these short days without notifying her.  I hated lying so if she called when I knew my day was done I would usually tell her.  However, this day I never heard from her.  I wrapped up my day in time to arrive home about two in the afternoon.  As I neared our driveway, I saw a small Ford SUV coming from the direction of my house.  We shared a driveway with the golf shack so it wasn’t unusual for vehicles I did not recognize to be on my driveway, but this one was different.  At first, I gave it little notice then something told me to pay attention.  I watched the driver’s side and as the driver came into clearer view, he rather avoided my eyes.  He had the demeanor of someone who didn’t want to answer any questions.

When I walked into the house, Jane was in our bedroom acting as though she was straightening up while trying to look like she was not straightening up.  She was incredibly edgy and crabby, a mood I eventually learned as her defensive posture, a posture she took up to avoid answering questions.  I knew right then that man in the compact SUV was in my bedroom just moments before, and in my wife!

Jane learned after that day to call and get a status update whenever she was going to be up to no good.  The affair did not last much longer after I almost caught her.  Like all the previous ones, I hoped they would steal her away.  Instead, I’m left with the embarrassment of knowing everyone in our small town thinking I am an idiot.

This was not Junes last indiscretion, I believe there were at least a half a dozen other trysts since we moved the small town we now live in, but they have been brief onetime events.  A little taste of something different I suppose.  I will wrap this series of post up with a brief description of why I believe she had the aforementioned trysts and bring this mess to a close.

I cannot say for certain, but I believe Jane started her relationship with Bill before the one with Dave ended.  See a husband and a boyfriend were not enough for her.  She needed a sexual partner who was willing to rough her up a bit.  Dave and I just were not those kinds of men.  Jane has a darker side both in the bedroom and out.

The only reason I think Bill was fucking my wife at the same time Dave and I were was the bruises.  First, the bruise above her right breast I talked about in Infidelity Part IIa, and then others.  It wasn’t just bruises.  There was a point where I had a fish tank in just about every room in the house, including our bedroom (“our” being rather expansive at this point).  I was a good fish geek and cleaned them weekly.  While cleaning the one in our bedroom I noticed some rocks out of place.  I asked Jane what might have caused the rocks to fall and she immediately became very defensive, got that how dare you ask me that look on her face and said, “How would I know?”  I stared at her a moment knowing something was up.  Someone must have run into the dresser the fish tank was on fairly hard to move the rocks.  Since the boys didn’t play in our bedroom, then there must have been some other sort of rough housing going on.

Big Fat Man

Here is the part that really makes me feel like a real looser.  Bill was a big man, not by stud standards but by modern fat ass standards.  He was easily close to three hundred points, two-fifty minimum.  The guy still wore his Army haircut and lived in dirty t-shirts and ratty blue jeans.  Not exactly the kind of guy you expect to learn your wife is cheating on you with.  However, she was, the evidence was there.

The bruise on the chest was the first, then came one on her arm.  It looked like the kind of bruise you get when someone grabs you forcefully by the upper arm and squeezes; she blamed a fiberglass-ceiling tile.  See, both Jane and Bill worked at the same convenience store.  There was a fire on the roof one day and all the employees gathered to see if they still had jobs.  The damage was contained mostly to the roof of the building and I think they closed the place for less than a day.  Apparently, a cigarette blew up there and ignited some leaves.  The thing I remember the most clearly from this day was how uncomfortable Bill was around me.  We were never one to talk much to each other, but this was something different.  Anyway, because of the fire, the building needed some minor repairs and Jane claimed a ceiling tile fell from the ceiling and hit her in the arm just below the shoulder.  I knew she was full of shit because those ceiling tile just are not that heavy.  I didn’t figure out where the bruise came from until later.

Then came the bruise on her face.  It was almost like a black eye, but not quite.  It was in the eye region but not really around the eye as you see with black eyes.  I guess it was more in the temple area.  This one she blamed on my pickup door.  My pickup was somewhat old by then and I had to remove the spring that held the door open because of rust.  What Jane did not realize was that the door she was blaming was the opposite door.  I took the spring out of the passenger door, she claimed it was the driver’s door, and yes, she said “The door that doesn’t stay open anymore.”

Jane blamed the door when telling me about it.  She blamed me when telling the neighbors about it.  She claimed I hit her.  The guy across the circle came by one evening and asked to talk to me.  He is the one who told me that Jane was telling everyone I was starting to get physical.  We were friends and he wanted me to have a heads up.

With Jane things that give her pleasure and excitement one day can be an irritant the next day.  I believe this is that happened with Bill.  We were having a typical day at home, but she seemed a bit more agitated than usual.  Finally, she shows me a text on her phone from Bill.  It said something about him being so horny.  I asked, “Why is he telling you?”  “I don’t know!” she growled, “He’s drunk!”  She then went on to complain that he just wouldn’t leave her alone.  Shortly after that brief conversation, Jane took her newfound escape.

One of my sons came up stairs and said “Mom fell and hit her head again.”  I found her lying on the floor unconscious.  He got her to wake up and knew we were in for another long spell.  A trip to the emergency room and forty-eight hours later I knew she was off in amnesia land.  At the time, I was genuinely concerned because this was only her second foray into the escape of amnesia.  However, the thing that made me even believe she might be fucking Bill was what she said on our way to or from the emergency room that night.  Her memory was becoming fuzzy and she wasn’t sure who I was.  She was commenting on how sexy I was and that she would definitely have sex with me.  Sex with me would be way better than with some big fat hairy guy.  At that point in time, we only knew one big fat hairy guy.

Bill, the big fat hairy guy sent a few more text that night but nothing as blatant as the one Jane showed me.  I finally replied, saying it was me and Jane was sick.  For the next thirty days, we had to live without her income while she “recovered”.  When she returned to work, she bitched incessantly about what an ass Bill was being.  How he was telling everyone there he could “Get her back in just a couple of days”.  Remember how she admits things without admitting them?  Anyway, she managed to get Bill fired within weeks of her returning to work.

Hell, Bill got the better deal.  He “tapped that” and then was able to move on.

It’s funny how the memory works.  As I wrote Infidelity Part II, I could not think of where or when Dave and Jane would consummate their infidelity.  Then this morning as I contemplated my next post the memories came flooding to me in a rush.  Don’t go thinking that all I do is sit and dwell on the things that have happened.  There is no yesterday, just memories and occasionally I rifle through them for something to put in this blog.

In Unemployment Part II, I told of how she broke her promise of not letting me go to jail.  Even before going to jail, one night she did not come home until 3:30 in the morning.  Shortly after coming home, she asked me for a separation.  I was shocked and there was a brief discussion, then all of the sudden she changed her tune and asked me to forget she ever said anything about it.  Later when replaying that night over in my head I realized that by then she knew I was going to jail, she could have a trial separation without any chance of me finding something I liked better.  If she was wrong, then she could just act as though she missed me horribly and we could live happily ever after…hah!

I spent six days in jail for what she did.  During those six days, Jane lived as though she were single!  I went into jail Friday morning and she was partying with her boyfriend and others Saturday night.  Visitation was Sunday between 11:00 and 1:00 I think, she never showed.  I was on my own until the fifth day when her conscious finally got the best of her and she called the jail.  A violation of the rules, but rules never stopped Jane.

The day they released me, I called her and she left work to come pick me up.  She couldn’t wait to get me into the bedroom and we fooled around.  It was during this romp that I notice a bruise about the size of a man’s fingertip just above her right breast, as if someone had poked her there pretty hard.   I asked her about it and she said, “What bruise?”  I knew immediately what her denial meant and dropped the subject.

Those six days were not enough for her.  We rented and my conviction for a felony meant the end of our lease.  I learned later that Jane went to great pains to make sure no one that mattered saw the local paper with my name in it as a person who plead guilty to felony theft.  However, before finding out that she did this I came home one day to find the paper on the table with my name circled in bright red ink.  Jane told me the landlord called and she would let the rest of the family stay as long as I left.  There was no place for me to go.

She arranged for me to stay with her parents on their sofa bed.  For two weeks, I slept on a small little hide-away bed while Jane was likely sharing my bed with another man.  She would call me once a day to tell me how sorry she was that this was going on then take off to the casino.  The first weekend I went up to our twin home to hang out with my sons and you could see the pity in my neighbors face when they say me.  They knew the truth; to them it was a separation while I was living life thinking something else.  I remember while Jane and I discussed our options I suggested that I room with the single guy across the circle.  Her response was quick, oh no, I don’t think that is a good idea.  He does drugs and all that other stuff.  I knew better, because the guy was a truck driver and subjected to regular piss tests; it was not likely that drugs were a big part of his life.  Hell that is why he tossed his live-in girl friend a few months earlier, she spend more time getting high than anything else.

After two weeks one of two things happened.  Either Jane and Dave’s relationship collapsed and she wanted me back, or she actually missed me and wanted me back.  She came up with some story of how I could move back because we were such good tenants as long as I signed some promise not to be a criminal any more.  During my two weeks of being stuck with the in-laws I pretty much figured out Jane was full of shit.  However, when she decided the “trial separation” was over I was just glad to be home with my kids and out of the in-laws apartment.

As I said in Infidelity Part II, I knew something was going on, but I never caught Jane in the act.  Once I was home, I was tempted to ask the neighbors what the story it was they heard.  Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it, one out of embarrassment and two, do you really want to know the truth.  I asked my oldest son once a couple months later what his mom told him about me living at grandmas.  His answer was that he could not remember.  He couldn’t have been more than 11 or 12 at the time, but he was and is a smart kid.   I just don’t think he wanted me to hear what his mom told him.

This was the first affair I was sure of, but it sure wasn’t the last.

Infidelity Part II

Posted: February 21, 2012 in Early Years, Infidelity
Tags: , , , , ,

I have no way of knowing for sure if Jane was unfaithful the first five years of our marriage, aside from Uncle Earl.  Those first five years seemed relatively turmoil free only because her misdeeds were minor, especially by comparison to what would come next.  I hate to admit that I am not certain that my sons are physically mine.  What I mean to say is though they will always be my sons; I can’t help but notice a lack of physical characteristics that might belong to me.

In those early years, Jane was generous with her professions of love and dedication.  Often she claimed that the thought of being with another man was loathsome at best.  There was no reason to doubt her claims, after all, I wasn’t aware of the truth about Uncle Earl, and she was busy with raising our children.  We didn’t always get along; in fact, early on, we fought often and bitterly, but it was never over sex or who talked to who of the opposite sex.  Even then, what those arguments were about puzzled me, but I definitely knew what they were not about.  I worked long days when I did work, however, when I wasn’t working, I was always home.  There really wasn’t any reason to suspect Jane of infidelity in those first five years.

Then we started over.  I am sure somewhere I mentioned that we sold our home to get out from under the two mortgages, pay off our debts and start over.  It seems that starting over meant that the real Jane Doe would come out of hiding.  Not right away, not all at once, but little things here and there.  Her complete lack of self-control when it came to fiscal responsibility was first.  Then she lost her ability to consider the consequences of her actions, and finally she decided our vows only applied to me.

His name was Dave, yes he real name.  Jane landed a job at a local gas station/convenience store.  Right from the start, she worked days, and one day on the weekends.  It was the one all the local business went to for fuel and so Jane quickly found herself in the heart of all the towns’ gossip.  Dave was a truck driver for the local farm supply and grain mill.  He stopped in to Jane’s store several times a day.  A relationship of sorts developed between the two quickly from what I can piece together.  He was married as well.  His wife worked at the post office, according to Jane, though I was never sure who she was.  It did not take long before I noticed that this “Dave” guys name came up in her conversations more and more often.

One time while I was on the phone with her, she was at the school waiting to pickup one of our children when out of the blue, she became very excited, then told me her battery was going dead and hung up the phone.  This was uncharacteristic of Jane.  She was usually much better at concealing her emotions and covering herself on the fly.  I don’t know if she wasn’t aware of all that she said or did before telling me her battery was going dead, but from my end, it was obvious from what I heard in the seconds before she hung up on me that someone she was very happy to see pulled up beside her.   A fact that she admitted to later, not the excited to see part, but that Dave pulled up beside her.

It was during this time that Jane was going to the casino.  I rarely accompanied her because I hate that places and she was giving them more than enough money on her own.  This was where I learned that she only asked me to go to conceal the fact that she really didn’t want me going.  She would ask, and even try to be persuasive knowing my answer before she asked…most of the time.  Once I said sure, let’s go!  We arrived and sat down with our neighbors to play bingo.  Originally, it was just Jane, the neighbor Joni and myself.  Then Joni’s boyfriend, also Dave came in and introduces himself to me saying, “Hi my name is Dave, I have not met this one yet.”  Dave and I had known each other for a couple of years at this point.  Jane was a bit flustered and I was embarrassed.  Dave was mocking me, or maybe trying to tell me something.  I saw Jane at the concession counter whispering to Joni to keep Dave quiet.  At least that was my assumption.  I was becoming aware of what was going on by this point.  I am not a stupid person; what I think was the hardest part of that period, knowing other people knew what was going on with Jane, and everyone thinking I was clueless.  Oh, and Dave, Jane’s boyfriend did show up, the look in each other’s faces was clearly the look of newfound lovers.  Poor Dave had to sit at another table because Jane’s husband had the gull to show up!

Jane asked me one more time to accompany her to bingo a couple weeks later.  Again, she convinced me to go and her story changed.  Maybe Dave the neighbor won’t be home in time so it would be all the “girls” and me.  If Dave isn’t going to make it, she continued, maybe you should just stay home.  A couple of fake phone calls later and Dave was definitely out of the picture.  Jane tossed me some cash for beer and off I went to the liquor store like a good husband.  Jane was long gone before I returned, but guess who was standing in his driveway with Joni getting ready to go to the casino for some bingo…Dave.

I don’t know when Dave, Jane’s boyfriend and Jane got together for the sexual part of the relationship.  I know it was happing because it wasn’t happening at home and up until this time in our relationship, it happened all the time.  I also don’t know what happened to their relationship.  It ended and Jane for a while had nothing nice to say about him.  Dave’s marriage didn’t survive the affair, I suspect that might be what ended the affair; Dave might have wanted to save his marriage.

Jane has this way of admitting to things later, without admitting to them.  Sometimes she just comes out and tells me what she got away with, whether it’s was stealing money from an employer or passing off bad checks to a flower shop.  However, when she knows it will hurt our relationship she’s not so forward.  When the dust was settling, and she was recovering from another bout of amnesia she sort of told me she and Dave had an affair.  It went something like this, “If I was ever going to cheat on you, and I never have, but if I was, Dave would have been the guy”.  This was the second time I heard such and admission; the reason behind the first time slips my memory.

Finally, if you lie enough, it becomes increasingly difficult to remember your lies and harder to cover them up as time passes.  During Lawsuit # 1, the defense hired a private investigator to dig into Jane’s past.  One of the claims in the lawsuit was loss of consortium, meaning for a time Jane and I quit having sex because of the incidents’ in the hotel room the night Jane was assaulted by the police officer.  A stupid claim and probably yet another reason her lawsuit failed so miserably.  The investigators found out about Jane’s affair with Dave.  There was a flurry of words and OMGs when this started to surface as well as several long phone calls to her attorney while in the foyer where I could not here her end of the conversation.  The only reason I knew about the investigation and what they discovered is because Jane told me about it.  Not directly, but in her effort to do damage control.  Dave approached her and told her about the investigator approaching him and the line of questioning.  She then told me the story, elaborated on those questions, and provided and explanation for each of the most damaging questions, all without being asked.  Her explanations’ didn’t hold much water.

I think her fear was that I would find out about it through the course of the lawsuit.  The only thing I didn’t know about was the details of when and where…information I could live without then and now.

 

Throughout the entire course of my relationship with Jane, she has accused me of infidelity.  I understand her reasons, though not her rational.  One reason is that she believes I cheated on her early on as I tell in Not Perfect and Michigan Girl.  I could go on for several paragraphs telling you why I don’t think I was cheating on her, but that is not the point of this post.  The other reason she has accused me of infidelity is what I believe mental health professionals call projecting.  She is guilty of it, will deny it to the end, so therefore I must be guilty of it.  However, it has never happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I have come across women in my travels that I considered the possibility, but never pursued it.  There was the barely legal receptionist when I was selling cars, hell every salesman there considered the possibility with that one.  While doing the real estate thing there was a smoking hot realtor who was also single.  Recently there was a teacher who is close to my age and I found quite sexy, and even though the opportunity may have presented itself with her, I didn’t know how to follow up.  The latter is one of the reasons I never did cheat on Jane.

I’ll get to the aforementioned reason in a bit.  The biggest reason I never cheated on Jane is that I try to live life by the golden rule.  Early on, I did not want her cheating on me; therefore, I should not cheat on her.  Another reason, I will not be the bad guy.   What people think of me matters, especially my children.  I will not have people think of me as the guy who ruined his family because he could not pass on that truck stop cashiers advances.  I am also extremely fussy when it comes to women.  If I was going to have a tryst, she had better be far better than my wife in looks, personality and body.  After all, if you’re going to screw up your children’s life, it sure as hell better be worth it.  Lastly, I have never been very good at closing the deal.  Because of my concern of what other people think of me, I have trouble being forward with women.  Approaching a women is difficult enough, approaching them with a proposition is as close to impossible as you’re going to get.  Even if one does proposition me, i.e. the schoolteacher, that fear of saying the wrong thing keeps me from responding with the words that will seal the deal.

The other thing that has kept me faithful all these years is not getting oneself in a position to make the decision of yes or no.  Until these last couple of years, I had not so much as hugged another woman, hard to have a physical relationship if women know not to touch you.  It’s not as if I carry a sign around with me, it’s just the way I carry myself.  I am an attractive man, been told that many times in my life, and as I get older and maintain my hair and good physical condition, the competition becomes less.  Yet women rarely approach me because I don’t leave myself open to the idea.  Those that do eventually get to know me thought I was a bit arrogant or aloof when they first met me.  I am slow to warm to a person, no matter how attractive she is.

The first time other than a family member touched, me was the aforementioned teacher.  Seriously, prior to the incident I am about to describe I managed to avoid physical contact of all kinds with other women.  One of our gym teachers proudly proclaimed “I am a hugger!” but I never opened myself up enough for her to feel comfortable enough to do so.  She flicked yogurt on me once, but never did she get the courage up to hug me.  Yet one day I was walking by the other teacher and she reached out and grabbed me, wrapped her arms around me, and I responded by doing the same to her.  She vented her frustration at the computers in the lab and begged me to fix them.  I told her I am doing everything I can.  That embrace was the first time I held a woman other than Jane in my arms in at least fifteen years…and I liked it.  She was a little hotty at the time of this incident and is still sexy though not quite the body she had back then.

What does this all mean? that I am incapable of cheating on Jane, but tonight she will likely accuse me of it in some way or another.  Not because I am doing anything suspicious, but because where I work, the majority of my coworkers’ is women and therefore I cannot avoid an affair.  However, in the seventeen years we have been married she has managed at least…um, at least three affairs.  This is not counting suspected one time sexual encounters.

Most anyone reading this will ask; if I am so sure, why do I remain married?  See About, it tells why I have put up with any of this shit.  This post is the precursor to those suspected affairs and dalliances, well call it a mini-series.  I never actually caught her in the act, but the evidence was there.  I came close one time, nearly the length of my driveway close.  In reality, at the time, I hoped she would find one of these men more desirable and run away with them…no such luck!

Anyway, keep checking, I hope to post a story a week at the minimum for this little exercise.